The Very Best Way to Resolve an Issue If and When One Arises in Your Relationship
Two very valid points. Especially if it's a new relationship, you should plan on a face-to-face conversation to get to the bottom of what's bothering one (or both) of you. But is email out completely? Steinorth says no way.
"I generally advise against getting into what you want to talk about in-person because I think it raises anxiety levels unnecessarily," she says. "But I do think it's OK to say in an email that you'd like to get together and arrange a time to meet somewhere."
OK, so J and I were on the right track. When something's wrong, we almost always start off by emailing, "Hey, we need to talk about a, b, and c." But, sometimes, we do write lengthy emails to one another about the entire situation just to get it off of our chests. Steinorth says we're doing one thing wrong: pressing send.
"It's OK to send an email to
yourself
about the things you'd like to cover on your end before you have an in-person serious conversation," she says. "Writing yourself an email about what you would like to discuss gives you the opportunity to really think about how you would like to approach an issue, what you would like to say, and it also gives you a little bit of time to think if there's anything you'd like to add to what you have to say, or perhaps not say. It's a good dress rehearsal, so to speak, for a serious conversation."
That actually sounds really smart. I do like the idea of writing, but not sending, an email to your S.O., just to really get your thoughts together and compose yourself (and your emotions) before a big chat. It's a very mature way of dealing with big stuff. But what if you and your partner still prefer texting and emailing over face-to-face when something comes up? (It really has worked for J and me…) Steinorth has two big rules:
- "Think of the way YOU would like to be communicated with in regard to a problem. If you wouldn't be happy emailing and/or texting to resolve a problem, you should assume your partner won't be happy with this approach either."
- "It's OK to email about minor issues (e.g., if you forgot to pick up something on the way home or if you forgot to tell your partner you will be home a little later). But for major issues, always try to have your conversations in person. It shows you care enough about a person to take the time to meet them and work through your issues face-to-face, and it enables you to read each other's body language and facial expressions to make sure your message is being heard the way it's intended."
So there you have it. Everyone's style of resolving things is different. You and your partner should figure out what works best for you and stick with it. Just make sure you're both on the same page before texting, emailing, or confronting him to ensure a positive outcome.
How do you communicate best with your significant other to solve a problem? Will you take Christina Steinorth's tip about writing an email to yourself to get your thoughts together before approaching a tricky subject?
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Photo: Corbis
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