My Partner Proposed With a $35 Engagement Ring, and the World Didn't End

It's also possible that couples are starting to internalize the arguably sexist history of the diamond ring. In the 1940s, the “A Diamond Is Forever” campaign (pioneered by De Beers) created the idea that a diamond was a critical component of getting engaged. In recent years, however, many no longer feel a diamond is an absolute necessity. (The existence of conflict diamonds—stones which are mined in a war zone and sold to finance war efforts—has also complicated the issue.) Now, more and more couples are choosing engagement alternatives.

“Engagement rings are inherently sexist to me,” said Zina Kumok, 28, from Denver. Her view is that having something that only the woman wears suggests she’s somehow owned by her partner. “I think if you really want a diamond ring, go ahead and buy one,” she says. “But don't make it attached to your engagement.”

Some couples, unconvinced as they are by a diamond ring’s romantic symbolism, choose to do something extremely personal for their engagement instead. “When [my husband] proposed, he took me out into the garden, went down on one knee, and gave me a cherry tree seedling,” says Helen Whitall, 34, from Devon, England. “It turned out he had saved the seeds from some cherries we had eaten on a picnic the summer before, planted them, and waited until they came up in the spring. We still have one of the original young trees—it’s now planted in our garden, and we hope it will grow and make fruit.”

For some, not getting a ring is a practical decision. One couple I talked to were students in Europe when they got engaged and simply didn’t have any money. Plus, a pricey ring seems impractical if a couple has a habit of losing things or works a lot with their hands and would have to constantly be taking it off throughout the course of their day. But plenty of people don’t get a ring because their engagement was short or their relationship has been long. “My hubby and I lived together for eight years before marrying,” says Christine Hennessey, 34, from Wilmington, North Carolina. “There was no big proposal. We simply talked about getting married and decided to do it. Though we did have an ‘engagement’—as in, we announced we were getting married a year before the wedding—I didn’t see any reason to wear an engagement ring. It didn’t have much meaning.”

The question of whether to get an engagement ring can be particularly fraught for LGBTQ couples. Who buys or wears the ring when there are two women or two men? How do you decide who proposes or how to go about an engagement in the first place? “Like all things, we decided by communicating about it,” said Kate F., 30, from Boston. “I was open about my interest in an antique ring. My partner was open about her desire for a memorable dinner. That’s what she wanted: an experience to remember rather than an object.

When it comes to my own choice not to get a diamond ring, the decision was as much financial as it was about letting go of a tradition that just didn’t really fit our relationship. As we continue to plan the wedding (and as I likely continue to answer questions about my unconventional ring), I’m proud to wear something that represents the things most important to my partner and me: friendship, loyalty, and love.